Not A Review: Dream of Perpetual Motion, by Dexter Palmer

I bought this for the shiny cover. Yes, I should be ashamed of myself for judging a book by its cover. But whatever, I picked it up a few times, and it didn't really do anything for me, until I was flying home to Malaysia and decided to read it for real since I was going to be on an airplane for forever anyway (13 hours flying is nothing to sneeze at, ya'll).

Peoplez, I cannot even begin to dissect how much this book pisses me off on a deeper level. I tweeted, early on, "Dear Post Modernism, this is the era of "from margin to center", not "from warbling subconsciousness to drunken lips". I also said to Mike Perschon, "I kinda shut my brain off at 'This is a magical stalk of celery' in Harry's dream sequence and am predicting a really, really hard time getting through this book. Maybe because I'm still in genre fic mode, not litfic mode." I was coming offa Boneshaker and Perdido Street Station, fyi, this is how long it took for me to get started on talking about this book.

You want an actual non-rage-y engagement with this? Here is Mike's.

So, I was going to write this review and be all serious and analytical about it, but ended up with incoherent rage about it, and proceeded to write fanfic instead. Because this story? Is all about fucked up people fucking each other up in order to fuck themselves up even more. There. I said it. Quote at will. And while telling Ay-Leen all about my fanfic, I degenerated instead into ranting about the book. Because I still cannot process this book in a mature, professional manner, you will have to satisfy for my rage, copied-pasted from my chat, typos included.

Under the cut so you can skip it if you don't want to read it. Spoilers ahoy.

Jaymee: i really need sleep, my brain is shutting down

but i really want to crank out a few hundred more words on this fanfic!

Ay-leen: hee hee hee

yay fanfic!

^__^

I remember those days when I used to stay up writing fic

what kins is it?

Jaymee: ..... well, i started writing it because I was way too cheesed at Dream of Perpetual Motion to write a coherent review

plus

i had a nightmare about it

kinda

when i woke up i was like, that could be good fanfic

doesnt quitework out so well

but still

i have a semblance of a plot now and it's just a mtter of writing it dow

and since the source is postmodern

i'm not too worried about making it tight prose

Sent at 9:56 PM on Sunday

Ay-leen: hee hee hee

so you're making a fanfic about a book you didn't like?

Jaymee: yes

XD

Sent at 10:02 PM on Sunday

Ay-leen: lol

Jaymee: i'm re-writing the ending, basically

SO IT DOESNT SUCK SO MUCH

Ay-leen: ah I see

well, then that;'s always an excuse for fanfic then

Jaymee: yeap

i really cant write a review of it without getting so angry

at how fucked-up shit is in the book

Ay-leen: geez, what happened?

Jaymee: oh jesus

okay

firstly

Ay-leen: I don't mind being spoiled

Jaymee: the hero is stuck in an airship

how did he get there?

well,

STARTS NI CHILDHOOD, THIS STORY

prospero taligent is a mad scientist trope

adopts a little girl

for her tenth birthday, gives her a unicorn

like, actual, horse with spiral horn

invites ten boys and ten girls to the tower to attend miranda's birthday party

hero, harold, kinda sticks out

prospero promises that all the kids? their dreams will come true

some way or another

he spends the next several years trying to fidn out more about these kids so that he can make their dreas come true

harold, however, is brougt back to be miranda's playmate

they live in a kind of holodeck which is Miranda's magic island of yay

but it's also obviously her prison

because her father wants to protext his precious precious daughter from the rest of the world and keep her innocent forever

prospero kicks harold out when he sees miranda and harold kissing one day

harold grows up, goes to college, has some job doing nightshift

hears miranda over the radio, addrfessing whoever is out there that might be listening

talking about her fucked up father

how she tries to run away but keeps getting dragged back

also

turns out, after her kissing harold

prospero took to making her sleep on white sheets

CHECKING THEM EVERY MORNING TO MAKE SURE SHE IS STILL PURE

PMG

KID IS STILL ELEVEN

she gets her period, he freaks out

so at this point i'm pretty convinced that postmodernism is like, about BEING OUT OF FUCKING TOUCH WITH REALITY

anyways

at some point, harold does meet miranda again and has to rescue her from a couple of thugs

who were apparently told by prospero to kidnap miranda

so that harold can rescue her

....

not sure what knd of sense this makes, but it kinda mimicks everything that miranda and harold used to do in miranda's magic island room

there's some stuff about harold's sister, astrid, who becomes an artist

and kills herself creating some art

complete with caricature of militant feminist theorist man-hating friend

AND, at some party, a cameo of Dexter Palmer himself, talking about his new novel, and being insufferably boring

I DREW THE LINE THERE AND PUT THE BOOK DOWN BUT NEEDED TO FIND OUT IF THERE WAS GONA BE A REAL PLOT AT SOME POINT

besides which, i was reading it on the plane so it wasnt like i had anything else to do

SO!

Prospero Taligent, fucked up dude, has created himself a business empire where he builds robots to replace people, hates stuff that's organic apparently because they die

he has also hired an artist to create a sculpture of Miranda

in order to preserve how she looks like

as she is

which means

the sculptor like, makes a new sculpture of miranda EVERY YEAR

doesnt matter out of what

Prospero says, i want it out of granite

and sculptor dude is like ..... but i cant cut granite

and prospero is like WELL NOW YOU CAN I WILL MAKE YOU A TOOL THAT CAN CUT THROUGH GRANITE WITH UTTER PRECISION

and he does

because he is Prospero Taligent, a wizard and tech genius!

Ay-leen: well, this is one whacked out book

Jaymee: IT GETS WORSE

BETTER

WHICHEVER

Prospero Taligent is also on a mad quest to create a Perpetual motion machine!

and preserve Miranda for all eternity

as she is

and turns out

the unicorn she got?

she was FORCED to watch, as in, tied to a chair and eyelids taped open

while Prospero drilled a hole into a horse's forehead and put in the ivory spiral

why?

"This will teach you. next time, ask for something that doesn't die."

something like that. he was upset that she didnt want a mechanical unicorn.

BY THE WAY

THIS STORY IS TOLD BY HAROLD WHILE HE IS TRAPPED IN AN AIRSHIP

WITH MIRANDA'S DISEMBODIED VOICE

why is her voice disembodied?

back to the sculptor

Prospero is all like I FOUND IT! WE WERE WORKING WITH THE WRONG MATERIALS ALL THIS WHILE! WE NEED TO SCULP HER BODY ITSELF TO PRESERVE IT AS IT IS!

yeah.

and Harold?

on the day that the airship is launched, harold gets amessage from miranda

telling him to come rescue her

he goes to the tower to do so

along the way meeting the sculptor

and some guy in the coal room who miranda fucked once in a while

this is where i thought we might get some plot

anyway

when he gets to the airship

prospero is ther and he' all like I KNOW WHAT YOUR DREAM IS AND WILL NOW MAKE IT COME TRUE

YOUR DREAM IS TO BE RESCUING THE PRINCSS

WHICH YOU NOW CAN DO FOR THE REST OF TIME

KILL ME NOW

Harold wont ACTUALLY rescue any damn princess, oh no, that's not his dream, apparently, it's the adventure of rescuing the princess

so yeah

THATS THE FUCKING PAYOFF

THIS IS THE COMMENTARY ON HOW LOVE FITS IN AN INDUSTRIALIZED WORLD.

i cannot even begin to fathom it

nor can i even express my contempt for a story that is essentially about fucked up people fucking others up to fuck themselves up even more.

it doesnt help that Harold, the narrator, is HAS NO BACKBONE, OBVIOUSLY

there are only three female characters, one of Harold's co-workers, Astrid, and Miranda

Astrid and Miranda sound interesting

EXCEPT THEY DIE

in HORRIBLE WAYS

Astrid falling into a vat of something to encase her body in molten metal to preserve her body for art

and her stupid stupid caricature feminist friend insisting to the police that her last words wer SO PROFOUND! "HOT BUTTER SPLEEN! HOT BUTTER SPLEEN!" when the pizza delivery guy who accidentally trigged the mechanism to drop her in heard "stop the machine"

and Miranda maimed so she's nothing more than a disembodied voice

AND SHE DOESNT EVEN TELL HER OWN STORY

well that's fucking great.

i dont even.

Ay-leen: gah

whoa

yeah

hm

...

there is no cohesive thought I can manage for that

Jaymee: yeah

hence, fanfic.

i've dedicated this much brain matter to it already

i might as well write something that can reconcile myself to having exhausted energy getting pissed off at it when i try to engage with it

i mean, it's not all awful

like

2% of it? great stuff, ruminations on perception vs. reality, on the place of miracles, on exercises in futility

BUT YOU KNOW. THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH IN EXERCISES IN FUTILITY I CAN TAKE IN A SINGLE BOOK.

Sent at 10:32 PM on Sunday

Jaymee: OH!

harold being a pathetic backboneless jellyfish?

prospero, having explained to harold all the shite that he's been through, tells Harold, the least you can do is put me in a cryogenic chamber i've specially prepared because you will now kill me

AND HAROLD DOES

WHAT

WHY

DUDE PUT YOU THROUGH SHIT FOR NOTHING!

DUDE PUT THE WOMAN YOU LOVE, or think you love anyway, THROUGH SHIT FOR... FUCKED UP REASONS OF HIS OWN

and it is apparently somehow a fine idea to respect his dying wishes.

ok.

Sent at 10:36 PM on Sunday

Ay-leen: gah

yeah, this sounds like an example of a book that's big on ideas but not heart

or, persay, character

Jaymee: yeah

Sent at 10:40 PM on Sunday

Jaymee: ok, time to look for alexander rybak pictures now to ease my raging soul

And that is a brief breakdown on why I really loathed this book. If you got this far, I'm sorry for subjecting you to that.

Thanks, Ay-Leen, for being so awesome!